The Not-So-Blind Date: Part Deux

Scene 2, Friday night, 10/3/14: The curtain rises to show our plucky heroine, BAILEY, at an undisclosed KBBQ joint with THINGS 1 & 2, KOALA, CAPTAIN & MS. MARVEL, TIMBITS, SALSA & BOOTS, DEN MOTHER AND SASSAFRAS. Libations and pork have been flowing, and all is well in the world.

***Text Message YMKCW>BAILEY (see Part 1): hey we are downtown***

***YMKCW>BAILEY: where r u***

***BAILEY>YMKCW: we are at not downtown***

***YMKCW>BAILEY: not coming here?***

***BAILEY>YMKCW: if you want to find us you can come here***

***YMKCW>BAILEY: how many of you there?***

13 minutes later

***YMKCW>BAILEY: we r here***

BAILEY, THINGS 1 & 2, BOOTS, SASSAFRAS, TIMBITS, KOALA and DEN MOTHER run into YMKCW and XX outside a popular bar in the not downtown area. XX is neither 180cm nor a distant relative/resembling BigBang’s T.O.P but looks harmless enough for someone being introduced to a group of foreign women by their unofficial, unelected pimp, YMKCW. An intense game of beer pong begins with BOOTS & BAILEY vs. TIMBITS & THING 1. THING 2, YMKCW, XX, and KOALA arrange themselves around a table. After losing the final cup in a breathtaking finale, BOOTS & BAILEY relinquish the table to XX, DEN MOTHER, SASSAFRA & KOALA and sit around the table.

BAILEY: (leans over to YMKCW) hey.

YMKCW: hey.

BAILEY: So you know this was stupid, right?

YMKCW: what do you mean?

BAILEY: you really shouldn’t ever set someone up on a “blind date” and then say to bring more people.

YMKCW: Why not? You don’t like him, he don’t like you. Its good to have choice.

BAILEY: No. Well, it’s not the worst idea…what do you mean he doesn’t like…never mind. Just don’t say “do you want to go on a blind date” then. Because that means you think these people would be good together and you have put some thought into it. THIS way is like a buffet line of people and I am the cow trying to be the prettiest cow and trying to compete with the other cows not that these women are cows because they aren’t and just this was stupid but what I’m trying to say is that this was a bad idea. It makes me feel not important. If you want your friend to meet your friends and *maybe* they hit it off, ok. No problem. But don’t call it a blind date. Because right now every woman in here wants to hit you, so let me be the first. (hits YMKCW multiple times)

YMKCW: Ok. Sorry. Also, you should not hit me.

BAILEY: Why not? It makes me feel better.

YMKCW: Because you are too strong. Women should not be so strong.

BAILEY: are you saying it hurts?

YMKCW: …yes…

BAILEY: WELL GOOD, ASSHOLE. (hits a few more times for good measure)

MORGAN FREEMAN (enters from wings): Friday night ended like many nights, with BAILEY abusing the shoulders and upper chest of YMKCW and at least 2 more rounds of beer pong with all present. There were hours spent out of the stoop not smoking and gossiping about the employees of the Fortress of Solitude and agreements of how truly socially inept the YMKCW had been with using the hearts and lives of his foreign female friends as well as an actual 2-minute conversation between XX (who was seemingly innocent of all heartless charges even though he did switch seats when BAILEY went to the bathroom and ended up giving THING 1 his business card with instructions to call if she is ever in Seoul and I guess that makes him slightly less innocent) and BAILEY, which resulted in the following selfie where she had stolen his glasses:


The moral of the story, kids, is choose friends who know you for you and care enough to try and fix you up with someone intentionally…not just because you are in your desk at the opportune moment and have the right gender for their random friend that they met at uni in another country and you are so into a K-Pop idol that you would totally believe a blurry selfie from their friend when it is 2014, dammit, it is the AGE OF THE SELFIE there is no reason for that to be blurry and you should know better, you really should. But if you must go, dress so hot that you will burn that man to death for looking at another woman and bring your girls with you for backup dancers so you can toast over his ashes.


We out.

**This is NOT a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are neither the products of the author’s imagination nor used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is not coincidental. Some names and identifying details have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals.**

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