The Not-So-Blind Date: Part Deux

Scene 2, Friday night, 10/3/14: The curtain rises to show our plucky heroine, BAILEY, at an undisclosed KBBQ joint with THINGS 1 & 2, KOALA, CAPTAIN & MS. MARVEL, TIMBITS, SALSA & BOOTS, DEN MOTHER AND SASSAFRAS. Libations and pork have been flowing, and all is well in the world.

***Text Message YMKCW>BAILEY (see Part 1): hey we are downtown***

***YMKCW>BAILEY: where r u***

***BAILEY>YMKCW: we are at not downtown***

***YMKCW>BAILEY: not coming here?***

***BAILEY>YMKCW: if you want to find us you can come here***

***YMKCW>BAILEY: how many of you there?***

13 minutes later

***YMKCW>BAILEY: we r here***

BAILEY, THINGS 1 & 2, BOOTS, SASSAFRAS, TIMBITS, KOALA and DEN MOTHER run into YMKCW and XX outside a popular bar in the not downtown area. XX is neither 180cm nor a distant relative/resembling BigBang’s T.O.P but looks harmless enough for someone being introduced to a group of foreign women by their unofficial, unelected pimp, YMKCW. An intense game of beer pong begins with BOOTS & BAILEY vs. TIMBITS & THING 1. THING 2, YMKCW, XX, and KOALA arrange themselves around a table. After losing the final cup in a breathtaking finale, BOOTS & BAILEY relinquish the table to XX, DEN MOTHER, SASSAFRA & KOALA and sit around the table.

BAILEY: (leans over to YMKCW) hey.

YMKCW: hey.

BAILEY: So you know this was stupid, right?

YMKCW: what do you mean?

BAILEY: you really shouldn’t ever set someone up on a “blind date” and then say to bring more people.

YMKCW: Why not? You don’t like him, he don’t like you. Its good to have choice.

BAILEY: No. Well, it’s not the worst idea…what do you mean he doesn’t like…never mind. Just don’t say “do you want to go on a blind date” then. Because that means you think these people would be good together and you have put some thought into it. THIS way is like a buffet line of people and I am the cow trying to be the prettiest cow and trying to compete with the other cows not that these women are cows because they aren’t and just this was stupid but what I’m trying to say is that this was a bad idea. It makes me feel not important. If you want your friend to meet your friends and *maybe* they hit it off, ok. No problem. But don’t call it a blind date. Because right now every woman in here wants to hit you, so let me be the first. (hits YMKCW multiple times)

YMKCW: Ok. Sorry. Also, you should not hit me.

BAILEY: Why not? It makes me feel better.

YMKCW: Because you are too strong. Women should not be so strong.

BAILEY: are you saying it hurts?

YMKCW: …yes…

BAILEY: WELL GOOD, ASSHOLE. (hits a few more times for good measure)

MORGAN FREEMAN (enters from wings): Friday night ended like many nights, with BAILEY abusing the shoulders and upper chest of YMKCW and at least 2 more rounds of beer pong with all present. There were hours spent out of the stoop not smoking and gossiping about the employees of the Fortress of Solitude and agreements of how truly socially inept the YMKCW had been with using the hearts and lives of his foreign female friends as well as an actual 2-minute conversation between XX (who was seemingly innocent of all heartless charges even though he did switch seats when BAILEY went to the bathroom and ended up giving THING 1 his business card with instructions to call if she is ever in Seoul and I guess that makes him slightly less innocent) and BAILEY, which resulted in the following selfie where she had stolen his glasses:

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The moral of the story, kids, is choose friends who know you for you and care enough to try and fix you up with someone intentionally…not just because you are in your desk at the opportune moment and have the right gender for their random friend that they met at uni in another country and you are so into a K-Pop idol that you would totally believe a blurry selfie from their friend when it is 2014, dammit, it is the AGE OF THE SELFIE there is no reason for that to be blurry and you should know better, you really should. But if you must go, dress so hot that you will burn that man to death for looking at another woman and bring your girls with you for backup dancers so you can toast over his ashes.

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We out.

**This is NOT a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are neither the products of the author’s imagination nor used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is not coincidental. Some names and identifying details have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals.**

The Not-So-Blind Date

Fade in from black, desk at an office, roughly 7:23pm, Thursday 10/2/14.

BAILEY, a late 20-something woman in workout clothes, is about to go play volleyball with fellow teachers in 30 minutes. She sits at her desk reading about the various antics of her guilty pleasure, K-Pop’s BigBang.

YOUNG MALE KOREAN CO-WORKER (YMKCW) enters, spots BAILEY and proceeds to her desk.

YMKCW: Do you want to go sogating (blind date) with my friend? He’s from Seoul.

BAILEY: What? Are you serious?

YMKCW: Yeah, he’s coming down tomorrow night to visit me and wants a date.

BAILEY: Whoa, um, this is so sudden.

YMKCW: He’s really tall. Like 180cm. He looks like T.O.P from BigBang.

BAILEY: Hahahaha what did you tell him about me?

YMKCW: Nothing. Here, talk to him.

BAILEY: He’s on the phone?! HE’S ON THE PHONE RIGHT NOW?! HE’S BEEN LISTENING TO EVERYTHING WE ARE SAYING?!

YMKCW: Yeah.

BAILEY: (whispers) hang up! HANG UP RIGHT NOW. (hits YMKCW multiple times on arms, body, one swift kick to shin)

YMKCW: Why?! He doesn’t care!

BAILEY: I CARE YOU IDIOT OH MY GOD (mouths) GET OFF THE PHONE HANG UP

YMKCW: (drops phone in BAILEY’s lap)

BAILEY: (whispers) I don’t even know his name!

YMKCW: XX

BAILEY: (clears throat), Uh, yeboseyo [hello]?

XX: yeboseyo? Hello?

BAILEY: Hi. [in Korean] I’m Bailey

XX: oh, your Korean is so good! I’m XX.

BAILEY: I know. I mean, bangawoyo [nice to meet you] (makes faces at YMCKW, who is just sitting and grinning like an idiot) How do you know YMKCW?

XX: We went to school together in Australia.

BAILEY: Ah. Your English is awesome.

XX: So you work with YMKCW? Do you call him Mr. X?

BAILEY: (laughs for 23 solid seconds) DO I CALL HIM MR. X?! No, usually I just say “hey idiot” or YMKCW-oppa.

XX: Oh no. No. You can’t call him YMKCW-oppa.

BAILEY: Uh…why? He’s older than me. He’s a friend, who is a guy, and I am a girl and he is older than me…by Korean standards…shouldn’t I say oppa?

XX: Yeeeesss…but you shouldn’t call him that. It makes him too confident.

BAILEY: OK, I’ll stick with “idiot” instead. So I’ll see you tomorrow?

XX: Yes, I think so.

BAILEY: OK…bye? (hands phone back to YMKCW, who then leaves the office on the phone, BAILEY runs over to twin teachers THING 1 and THING 2) OHMYGODYOUGUYSDIDYOUHEARTHAT?!

YMKCW re-enters. BAILEY, THING 1 and THING 2 attempt (in vain) to look casual and unaffected by the recent developement.

YMKCW: So, what do you think? (goes back over to BAILEY’s desk and sits down. BAILEY follows.)

BAILEY: Yeah, he sounds nice. So, tomorrow night?

YMKCW: Yeah. So, like, brings lots of other female teachers too.

BAILEY: (growing suspicious) Okay…well…I’m going out to dinner with a bunch of people tomorrow night. Should I just text you afterwards?

YMKCW: Yeah. Just…who else will be there?

BAILEY: (suspicion heightens) why are you looking for other people?

YMKCW: So my friend can have choice.

BAILEY: Wait. So…so he can choose?

YMKCW: (oblivious to any problem) yeah. So if you don’t like and he don’t like then he can have more choice. Is smart.

BAILEY: swKeJ42

**This is NOT a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are neither the products of the author’s imagination nor used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is not coincidental. Some names and identifying details have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals.**